Light It Up Blue...

Before I had my children, even as a former educator, I don't think I was fully aware of the scope of autism in my life.  Though there were students with autism in our school, I didn't work with them directly.  No one in the family or in my circle of friends had a child with autism.  I guess you could say my view was sheltered. 

Then, on February 14, 2007, my eyes opened.  That was the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  I was simultaneously elated to be bringing a child into this world and positively terrified that something may happen during my pregnancy or with my child.  I am not a worry wort, but something about the delicate little being growing inside of me....I needed him/her to be safe, healthy, and perfect.  I didn't want my child to have to suffer or struggle because of any physical, mental, emotional, learning disabilities.  From that moment when I first "became" a mom, autism has worked its way into my life view. 


Although my own children are not autistic, I can't help but feel like it's a part of our lives.  Through our neighbor's son, classmates, teammates.  A few months ago, I was given a great gift.  While sitting watching my son play, I could clearly tell one of the boys in the group was not "normal."  Let me stop here for a second and say that I cannot stand defining children as "normal" and "different" but for lack of a better description, I must here.  He sat back quietly watching the group of kids play. When he chose to interact with the group of 5yr old boys, not always the most understanding of crowds, his social skill was awkward at best.  He didn't quite know what to say or how to say it.  He had a great vocabulary. He put his words together very well.  But he barely made eye contact, he fidgeted in place twisting his hands back and forth.

I watched from the outside, praying that my son would be kind to this boy who was so clearly different than the rest of the group.  I remember almost holding my breath waiting for that one second when they would find a way to play together.  And then the strangest thing happened, they were all running around playing and laughing together.  Yes, he hung back a little at times.  And occasionally he would react to one of the boys and the way they were playing, but I didn't note it as that different from how my own child would react if he didn't like the way his sister was playing.

I guess I hadn't noticed how closely I had been watching this little boy when his mother, at that point a stranger to me, leaned in and said gently Timothy has autism.  My first reaction was to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for staring at your child. I'm sorry he has autism.  Just, I'm sorry...that for a brief fleeting second my heart reiterated that "Thank God my children are healthy" feeling.  But, I didn't. She must have seen it in my face though. She very politely explained that she didn't treat her son's autism like a disease. That she and her husband don't treat it like a weakness or deficiency. She said her family had learned with time that her son's autism just changes the way they choose to live their life. She spoke freely about how she transitioned from being a career woman to a stay at home mom so she could create structure and routine for Timothy founded in compassion and understanding.  She spoke of her daily life from watching her son thrive to preparing for the stares when a meltdown begins in public.  She smiled as she watched Timothy play with this group of strangers.  She told me how she'd brought him to this same play area every day at the same time for 6 months willing him to at least say hello to another child.  I watched the pride in her face as she explained how different her son was from other "normal" kids.  Not once did she talk about how difficult raising a child with autism must be.  In fact, the only negative words from her were that she wished other people were more tolerant and understanding of Timothy and his needs.  She had stories of parents taking their children by the shoulders and moving them away from him as if it's contagious.  Of family and friends alike who have stopped going places with them because they can't deal with the stares from strangers if Timothy starts having a fit.


 But still, through this clearly emotional and difficult conversation with a perfect stranger, Lisa smiled at her son.  She kissed his cheek when he ran over to her.  Encouraged him with her words that she quietly whispered into his ear. At that moment, I saw for the first time what loving someone with autism means.  Her life as a mom was very different and yet strikingly similar to my own.  She loves her child unconditionally and is guiding him to achieve the best that he can.  She recognizes how difficult his being different is, not because he's different but because the world is trying to figure out how to accept different.

Lisa and I have kept in touch.  Timothy and Matthew play once a month.  They both love Ninja Turtles and Transformers.  We've had playdates where you wouldn't even know he's autistic and we've had playdates where the meltdowns were so severe Lisa has carried her 60lb son to the car screaming.  Never once has she thrown an apologetic look in my direction or me in hers. And as we wave to Timothy and tell him we will see him soon, I know these interactions are just as valuable to my son as they are hers.  Unfortunately, Lisa's husband has taken a job on the West Coast and we will have to say goodbye to our friends but I'm thankful for the opportunity to know Timothy and his family.  For the lessons he has taught Matthew and me.  For the love, kindness and understanding being friends with this autistic child has welcomed into our lives.  We will miss him dearly!

April is Autism Awareness Month.  While making donations to research the cause, cure, etc are a phenomenal way to support those families raising these unique little children, what many of them would appreciate even more is your constant understanding and compassion for their children.  Before you judge that mom in the supermarket whose child is screaming or those parents who aren't "disciplining" their child who is not behaving appropriately in TGI Friday's, stop and be tolerant. Understand every situation and every person is different.  Raise an awareness that each puzzle piece is different and that's what colors our world so beautiful. 

The Sandy Effect

I just realized that as I started to type this entry, I have deleted the same sentiment at least ten times because I hesitate to offend any one individually or the collective whole. While I do not intend to offend, I know that some will read this and perhaps take it as a criticism of their personal actions/lack thereof. I suppose I will let this leading paragraph serve as my public service announcement then that that was certainly not my intention.

And so begins my actual topic this evening. For anyone not living under a rock in the latter part of 2012, we are all aware of the disasters that terrified our country. Between Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy that forever changed our eastern coastline and reeked havoc on so many of our cherished childhood memories to the Sandy Hook Elementary horror that destroyed American parents' sense of safety for their youngest children's school days, we as a society have witnessed beyond words and comprehension a humbling devastation that left a deep hole in many of our hearts.

For many, in times such as these, an urge to save ourselves from total damnation as a society seems to develop. We open our doors, our hearts, our wallets in a kind offering of help. These same doors that months before we did not/could not open for friends, family or strangers alike. The same hearts we kept sheltered from outsiders. The same wallets we claimed were too thin to aid another.

This "pay it forward" mindset invades social news feeds, business advertisements, news and media. We call on others to engage in acts of kindness and giving in the hopes that one good deed will in turn result in another. And while the sentiment and outpouring of "society" is wonderful, it also makes me sad.

I find it sad that buying a cup of coffee for the car in line behind you, for sending bags of clothing to shelters, allowing the woman in back of you to check out of line first has become such uncommon acts of kindness that we give it a name and publicly call upon others to join in on the campaign.

I'm saddened by the realization that while we live among each other, often in closer proximity than ever before, we as a society have broken down. Miriam Webster defines society as "an enduring and cooperating social group whose members have developed organized patterns of relationships through interaction with one another."

I'm curious how many people engaged in this pay it forward phenomena prior to the 2012 disasters. I wonder why it wasn't newsworthy on a personal or national level before Sandy. Most strongly I wonder when helping our fellow community members became paying it forward versus just doing what every human being should.

Maybe it's the idea that these acts of kindness/cooperation as been given a "name" that irks me. Or maybe it's that for 8 months out of 2012 on 98% of the news and media streams we heard nothing about this whole pay it forward concept.

I do not want to believe our society is so broken we only help when we are reminded by tragedy that we can and should. I don't want these good deeds to be commercialized and tainted by popularity and recognition.

Is it that we ignore the good we see all around us until we know the world needs to see it or is it that we forget we are not alone living among many until horrific images and catastrophe strikes so close both physically and metaphorically to our hearts and home?

Are we so engrossed in our own worlds that we have forgotten to foster relationships with friends, family, community alike?

I have refused to engage in the pay it forward campaign of latter 2012/early 2013, or as i call it "The Sandy Effect," not because I don't feel the actions themselves are noteworthy. And not because I feel the intent behind these acts of kindness are motivated by false intentions, but because my opinion is and always will honestly be that I will continue to do what I have always done.

I will treat perfect strangers with respect. I will smile and say hello while looking them in the eye. I will say please, thank you and you're welcome. I will hold the door. I will offer the cashier my money when a fellow human being falls short when I'm able. I will make donations to charities where and when and in what means/methods we are able to.

I will do this without posting on social media. No news cameras will follow me as I do. And I'm ok with that because growing up we didn't call it paying it forward. We called it other things. Respect. Kindness. Compassion. Community. We didn't wait for there to be a need. We just did it. All the time.

While the outpouring of kindness is a positive result of the last several months, I fear once the new-ness of these tragedies fades, The Sandy Effect will subside. We as a collective whole will return to our own microcosms and forget to be active members of society. I beg everyone and anyone to fight against that. To not let the hurt that has invaded your hearts be your drive, but rather the love that is and always will be there. When camera crews leave and status updates return to the mundane antics of every day life, what will you be doing for society?